


The Ghosts of Christmas

by bitheflowers



Category: Holby City
Genre: A Christmas Carol, AU, Angst, F/F, it's sad yes but also Christmas ya know, so much of the angst but it's worth it hopefully
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-09-23 00:53:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17070422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitheflowers/pseuds/bitheflowers
Summary: It's the Christmas Carol AU that literally no one ever asked for. I rewatched the film while also being sad about Berena and somehow this came out?After Elinor's death, Serena loses all cheer in her life and decides never to celebrate again. In her darkest hours, she needs reminding of what it's like to be happy and why she can't give up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to post this more or less consistently but I have exams coming up so who really knows. Let me know if you even want a second chapter because if this flops I might just burry it all. Anyway, here's to holiday joy and a very strange AU!
> 
> So here goes the first, introductory chapter.

Elinor dies right after the holidays and Serena thinks she’s never felt a pain as deep and heart wrenching as this. It soaks into her bones, washes over her like a tidal wave, crushing every ounce of happiness inside of her and replacing it with hurt, grief and devastation. She cries, sobs, screams, for days on end, for what feels like an eternity. Parts of her die inside, slowly deteriorating until all that’s left is a bitter shell of who she was before she lost her child. She buries herself in work at first, works days and nights, ignores people’s concerned words and keeps going and going until she can’t go anymore. She ends up on the roof, two bottles of shiraz next to her, a packet of fags in her hand, one cigarette stump still dangling from her lips. When Fletch finds her, he sends her straight to Hanssen, who tells her in his most diplomatic voice that maybe she needs a break.

 

It’s clear that Hanssen is giving her more time than is strictly appropriate. He lets her take as long as she needs, doesn’t rush her with offers of coming back or even the threat of impending unemployment if she doesn’t return soon. The break lasts longer than she expects it to. It morphs into a break from life all together. Her life is put on hold, what for she doesn’t know, as if she is waiting for something to restart it but her waiting is in vain. There’s nothing that can un-pause it, she thinks. And yet she wallows in it, nestles herself into the comfort of alcohol, nicotine and sleep. A month off becomes two months, becomes half a year, and before she knows it the holidays are in sight again and the thought alone makes her stomach turn. The idea of celebrating while her daughter lies dead and cold beneath the ground almost has her throwing up. She won’t celebrate this year, decides that from now on she won’t celebrate at all anymore. Even when Jason tries to convince her that it could do her good, to be with her friends and family again, that it’s been nearly a year of her mourning and that she is allowed to try and feel happy again, she refuses. Tells him to leave her alone, a little too harshly even for her own darkened mindset. She sees him flinch at her tone, but he leaves her be, has learnt that she has dug a hole for herself and made herself at home at the very bottom of it. It looks like she’s gonna stay there, indefinitely, and there’s nothing he or anyone else can do about it.

 

Eventually Hanssen’s patience reaches its limit and he begins to ask her about a possible return to the hospital. Every now and then her phone lights up, Hanssen’s name flashing across the screen in bright letters but Serena ignores it, lets it go to  voicemail until he gives up on that and stops contacting her all together. Deep down she’s well aware that she ought to go back to the hospital, either to hand in her notice or to resume her job. Yet she can’t find the strength to do so, hardly finds the strength to get out of bed most days as it is. Her sadness wraps itself around her, consumes her and holds on tight, refusing to let her break free from its angry claws. The curtains stay drawn, the doors closed and locked, the lights off unless absolutely necessary. Serena wakes up and goes back to sleep in darkness, the distinction between night and day becoming vaguer and vaguer as time goes on.

 

 ***

 

A ringing sound shakes her out of her restless slumber induced by alcohol and sleeping pills. Serena groans, turns over in bed and pulls the covers over her head in an attempt to drown out the intruding noise. The doorbell rings again, the persistent person on the other side pressing it till the sound makes Serena’s head spin. She shrugs off the blankets and gets up out of bed, her legs wobbling for a second, due to the lingering feeling of exhaustion and the remnants of wine in her system.

 

By the time she reaches the front door, the visitor has moved on to knocking on the door. As Serena opens it, she’s nearly met with a fist in her face, the woman in front of her clearly on the cusp of knocking once more. She lowers her arm and Serena shakes her head a little to clear the fog in her brain enough to look the woman up and down. A tall, thin looking person with unruly blonde hair and kind, dark eyes stares back at her. Serena recognises her, vaguely recalls working with her a couple of times before… it’s been about a year but yes she remembers the formidable Major Wolfe, army veteran sent to Holby to waste her time on Keller of all places.

 

“What do you want, Ms. Wolfe?” Serena’s voice sounds gruff, unused after weeks spent in bed on her own. It takes the blonde by surprise, the lack of greeting or pleasantries somewhat unexpected. She squares her shoulders, stands up a bit straighter to address Serena.

 

“Ms. Campbell, Serena I- Call me Bernie? I just wanted to check up on you and-… well you know, Henrik tried to contact you and so did Ric and Fletch and they-… they sent me to ask you if you’d consider coming back. Serena we can’t run this ward without you anymore, I’ve tried leading it but it’s just- with the holidays coming up especially…”

 

“No.” The answer is blunt and simple, the door already closing as Bernie puts her hand up against it to push it open again.

 

“Please hear me out? We have more and more trauma patients coming in, we can’t take the load without an extra pair of hands and if you don’t do it then…”

 

“Why would I care?” A tight feeling rises in Serena’s stomach, her breathing coming a little faster as she realises that this might be it, her job is on the line and yet she can’t find it in herself to care enough to do something about it. Still, the stern façade that she’s put up stays in place, her armour firmly set in front of her. Backing down now isn’t an option. She has built this indifferent and cold exterior, has set up camp in this obscure little corner filled with grief and there is no way she is stepping away from all of that now, she couldn’t even if she wanted to. Even if it costs her her job.

 

Bernie breathes in deeply, inhales and exhales slowly as she gathers her thoughts. “I know this past year has been so incredibly hard on you…” Bernie tries to reason with her. She steps a little closer to the front door, not quite inside yet but nearing the threshold. She approaches Serena like a frightened animal that could leash out at any moment. It strikes Serena for a moment that she’s never seen the other woman look so open, so vulnerable.

 

“Do you have children, Ms. Wolfe?” Serena asks her matter of factly, a dark expression crossing over her features. The question comes as a slap in the face to Bernie, too harsh and too direct to conceal what comes next. Still she answers it, her eyes fixed on the ground where she nudges the edge of the pathway with the toe of her shoe.

 

“I… yes, yes I do.” Her voice is hesitant and Serena almost regrets doing this. Almost.

 

“Are they alive?” There it is, Bernie thinks, a sense of guilt and uneasiness washing over her.

 

“Ye- yes… Serena I don’t think…” She tries but Serena interrupts her before she can get out a full sentence.

 

“Then you have no fucking idea what this feels like.” With that the front door slams shut, leaving a stunned Bernie on Serena’s front step.

 

As soon as the door is closed, Serena leans back against it, a sob clawing its way up her throat. Her back slides down the hard wooden surface, until she’s sitting on the cold floor. She feels the first couple of tears slide down her cheeks and that’s what finally breaks her last pinch of reserve. Heavy sobs emanate from deep inside her, her entire body shaking with the ferocity of them. Time seems to stand still and fly by at the same time as she sits there crying and screaming into the emptiness of her house. Eventually she hoists herself up off the floor, roams through the house for a while before going into the kitchen to fetch another bottle of wine. There is no need for a glass, she had started to forgo that barrier between herself and blissful unconsciousness long ago, deciding that it only delayed her journey to the inevitable drunken abyss awaiting her. On top of that, all her glasses were now piled up in the sink, along with a bunch of dirty dishes and cutlery which she couldn’t be bothered to clean. Once uncorked the bottle goes up to her bedroom with her, destined to be left empty on the bedside table when sleep has once again claimed Serena’s body.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena believes her mind is playing tricks on her when odd things start happening to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm gonna try to update this weekly, I hope some of you like this even though it is quite random still. I love A Christmas Carol and I really couldn't get this idea out of my head so. Comments/feedback is always welcome.

Something feels off when Serena wakes up. It takes her a while to fully regain consciousness and once she opens her eyes the bright daylight streaming in through the window makes her squint. She buries her head in the pillows, trying to block out the light until a sudden realisation hits her. She didn’t open those curtains. However drunk she was when she went to sleep, Serena is certain that the curtains haven’t been opened in days, maybe even weeks, she’d remember if she opened them. Why on earth would she open them now, she thinks darkly, no point in letting in the light of day. It’s not like she cares about what time it is, what the weather is like, what goes on outside the walls of her bedroom.  

 

She lifts her head and turns to look at the light, staring at the window and the bright sunshine that is illuminating the room. With a lot of effort Serena manages to get out of bed and walk over to the window, mind set on closing the curtains again and drifting off again. As soon as she steps away from her bed, however, she hears a rustling sound behind her. She stops in her tracks and slowly turns around again. The noise stops but something looks different. Did she make the bed as she got out? Surely not? Her mind must be playing tricks on her because once again there’s a soft noise and this time she see the covers move on her bed, as if inviting her back into it.

 

She stumbles backwards, hits the wall behind her and suddenly the room is spinning around her. The chair in the corner of the room shuffles back and forth, the bottles on her nightstand fall down and Serena holds her breath as she hears footsteps on the stairs. Ever so slowly the door to her bedroom opens with a loud, drawn out squeak and she can’t believe her eyes as a bright figure floats into the room. A sob escapes her as the figure comes closer, the shape now resembling a woman. A young woman. The woman sits down on the edge of the bed and now Serena is sure of exactly who it resembles.

 

“Elinor…” she whispers, her voice breaking and tears starting to roll down her cheeks. Violent sobs overtake her and the figure smiles reassuringly, shushing her in an attempt to calm her.

 

“Mum, you have to stop this. You can’t keep going on like this.” The voice sounds so clear in Serena’s ears, it’s as if Elinor is right there. It feels as real as can be and somehow it does soothe her racing heart.

 

“But you’re gone…” she stammers, trying to make sense of whatever is happening. This can’t be real, she has to be hallucinating. Yet Elinor sounds like herself, sounds like Serena’s daughter, her dead daughter. Another cry falls from her lips.

 

“You need to realise what you’re doing mum. You’re nothing like my mum anymore. Try, for me? For Jason and the people at the hospital?” The words penetrate Serena’s brain but they don’t sink in fully, she merely lowers her head and shakes it in disbelief. Elinor doesn’t back down though, always as stubborn as her mother.

 

“Okay, well you’ll see. If you don’t listen to me then hopefully you’ll listen to the others that want to help you. They’ll come to you, mum, and they’ll show you. We want you to get better.” Before Serena can question this information, the shape of her daughter starts to fade. She reaches out in vain, trying to hold onto her, calling out her name but the figure disappears as suddenly as it came.

 

Her mouth is still agape, her hands trembling and she has no idea how much time passes before she even moves again. Eventually Serena goes downstairs, sits down on the couch and turns on the tv, to distract herself from what happened. She is convinced it was all a dream and yet it feels so real. The entire house still bathes in an oddly peaceful atmosphere, silence and cold enveloping her. Wondering what, or rather who, Elinor was talking about, she dozes off and falls asleep right there in front of the tv.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Serena, darling, wake up.” Her mother’s voice sounds harsh and insistent and Serena groans loudly in response. Another dream, her brain tells her, another dream to haunt and annoy her. Still she notices a shift in the air around her, as if someone’s there. She opens her eyes and is greeted by the sight of Adrienne, sitting in the armchair next to the tv that is now off. Horror rushes through her body and she presses her eyes closed again, wills this image away. Serena shakes her head, curses herself for allowing yet another dream like this to scare her. Adrienne stands up, grabs Serena’s hand and pulls her up off the couch effortlessly. This is too vivid for a mere dream. It feels as if they’re floating for a moment, the living room fading away into darkness.

 

“What is this? What are you?” Serena mumbles in confusion. Her mother chuckles, tells her to hold on tightly and just like that they are flying. It’s surreal, absurd but Serena feels light as air, racing through the white winter sky next to her mother. They pass trees and streets that look vaguely familiar and all the while Adrienne pulls Serena along without looking back at her.

 

“What is going on?” Serena yells over the whooshing sound filling her ears, the wind cutting into their faces due to the high speed they’re travelling at.

 

“I’m the ghost of Christmas past, darling.” Her mother’s whisper seems to encompass her, surrounding her even though the woman is still focussing on going forward. It settles all around her, silencing everything around them for a split second before it all resumes again.

 

In the distance a house rises up out of the snow. They slow down and start to descend as they near it. The big family house is filled with light spilling out through the windows and Serena hears laughter coming from inside. As she peaks through the window it finally clicks, this is their house, her mother’s house, the house she grew up in. She clears her throat, her eyes watering already and she looks to Adrienne but finds herself unable to speak.

 

Inside, she see Adrienne at the head of a festively decorated table, a small Elinor sat next to her grandmother, talking excitedly. And then Serena walks in. A young, smiling Serena. A version of herself she barely remembers. She’s positively glowing as she puts down a giant turkey on the table and takes a seat next to her daughter. It’s just the three of them, their first Christmas after the divorce, but Serena remembers how happy that moment made her. Even now the cosy feeling she had that day rises inside her and settles in her chest.

 

More and more tears start to fall as she watches on, sees how Elinor opens presents and hugs her mother and grandmother. She’s weeping by the time the ghost of Adrienne wraps her arms around Serena’s shoulders and they float up into the sky again.

 

The next time they descend it’s to visit Serena’s current home. The house looks warm and inviting and as they enter they’re met with a Christmas party in full swing. It’s been a few years but Serena smiles at the memory of the party she hosted, with all her beloved colleagues and friends, her family joining in on the festivities and even some of her old friends from university showing up. Everyone is singing carols at the top of their lungs, some people even going as far as dancing around, depending on how much they’d had to drink, no doubt. Her heart swells at the sight of all this happiness, the sheer joy that filled her house back then. Part of her longs to go back to that time, craves to feel that way once more. It hurts to see what she used to have, how bright her life was, back when she could be herself, back when Elinor…

 

It’s over before she knows it, Adrienne’s hand tugging at hers insistently and they’re off again. This time they land back in Serena’s living room but now it’s empty and sombre once again. She looks up at her mother’s face as she sits down next to her on the sofa. Adrienne’s hand brushes through her hair, making Serena cringe for a second. Her mother probably hates how short and grey her hair is these days. To her surprise her mother’s lips press against her temple and she speaks softly before she pulls back.

 

“You were so happy, Serena.” And with those words she’s gone, her figure fading away like a quick breeze and Serena is left alone again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that the ghost of Christmas past has visited Serena, the ghost of Christmas present is waiting for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally back after a month's hiatus! I'm sorry for the wait but here is the next short chapter, I hope you enjoy it!

It’s a mere whisper that brushes against her tearstained cheek. A breath and a soft sound that settles in her ears. Serena thinks she hears her name somewhere in the distance but then the voice is gone again. Slowly the faded mumbling comes back though. 

“Serena, come with me.” It sounds louder and louder. A whisper that grows into a call. A siren’s call. The voice is so husky and hoarse yet so angelic. Vaguely familiar as well though she can’t quite put her finger on it, dazed as her brain still is from alcohol and sleep. Her eyes open and she flinches at the bright light that stands at the end of her bed. She blinks, once, twice, again and again until she is sure that this is real and the figure bathing in a halo-like glow is actually there. Through the light it’s nearly impossible to make out actual features but she can tell it’s a woman and a beautiful one at that. 

“Come with me,” the woman says again and this time she reaches out her hand for Serena to grab. As soon as she does the room around them fades to black. Whirring sounds fill her ears and the world spins around her for a second, meanwhile the beautiful woman stands still before her, an image of calmness and peace. Before Serena ask her what is happening, the space around her starts to gain colour again and she recognises her surroundings. Jason’s apartment. 

Out of the corner of her eye she sees the young man sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, Greta and baby Guinevere next to him with sombre expressions on their faces. She turns towards them and then back to the angelic figure, her jaw dropped slightly. 

“What does this mean? Do you want me to pity them? What’s the matter with them?” She asks somewhat uncomfortably, her hand coming up to play with the pendant around her neck nervously. To her surprises a bony hand reaches out to touch her shoulder and the ghostly woman turns her around to face the scene before them. It is then that noise comes flooding over her again, as if the ear plugs in her ears have suddenly disappeared. 

“What if auntie Serena never stops, Greta? What if she keeps drinking forever? What if she stays sad?” Jason’s leg shakes as her talks, his fingers tapping a rhythm against his forehead. 

“Well she can’t be with Guinevere anymore. She’s dangerous, she can’t take care of her. She’s a bad great-auntie.” Greta’s words cut her like a knife and Serena lets out a sob of disbelief and pain. She’s a bad great-auntie. She looks at the woman behind her again over her shoulder, begging her to tell her that this is fake, this is just a hallucination but the same hoarse voice reaches her again.

“This is real, Serena, they are in pain. You are losing them.” She speaks so softly and clearly and yet the pain in Serena’s heart only intensifies. Tears roll down her face as the room fades away again and the whirring sound comes back. 

Her brow furrows at the sight that greets her next. Familiar beds and curtains, desks and equipment surround her and Serena can’t imagine why they would come to AAU now. She looks around, spots some familiar faces and then recognises a couple of her dearest friends and colleagues. The hands of the angelic woman push her forward, towards Ric and Fletch who are talking at the nurses station. She tries to resist it, tries to push back against the force pushing her but it’s all to no avail and soon she is standing right next to them even though neither of them seems to notice her. 

“Do you reckon she’ll come back?” Fletch inquires hopefully but Ric just sighs in reply. His head hangs low and the bags under his eyes are a testament to how hard he’s been working in Serena’s absence. 

“I thought she’d have realised by now that she can’t go on like this, we all miss her so much here if only she’d realise.” Even though he’s looking at Fletch and has no idea she can hear him, Ric’s words seem directed solely at her. Serena’s heart aches as they talk more and more about her absence and how badly they wish she could pick herself up again and recover. 

She realises that she wants to stay here longer, that she too misses this environment and most of all the people in it but it can’t last and soon enough the woman with her is transferring them back to Serena’s dark and empty bedroom. She sobs as her head hits the pillow. 

“Serena, can’t you see that they care? That they will help you? You have to stop hurting them and yourself.” The ghost speaks and in the darkness Serena can make out the vague shape of her face now. Strong cheekbones, golden hair, it all looks so familiar and yet…

“We care about you, Serena.” The last words the woman says float around in her head and before she knows it the room is filled with silence and darkness once more. The woman is gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is time for the ghost of Christmas yet to come to show Serena what's waiting for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter is here! One more epilogue type chapter after this (don't worry there'll finally be some more Bernie in it ;)). I hope you like it, as always comments and feedback are welcome!

After the visits of the two previous nights, Serena sort of expects the third night to be just as horrifying and confusing. Her days are still filled with darkness and when they finally bleed into the night, she barely realises it. The sombreness is omnipresent in her house, in her bedroom especially, in her heart maybe most of all. She goes to sleep that night expecting to be woken by another ghostly figure. Still sleep manages to claim her fairly easily, aided by booze and pills. 

She remembers the feeling of falling in bed as a child when she was on the verge of sleep. The feeling of a free fall that shocked her wide awake. That feeling shakes her awake now and suddenly she is falling down for what feels like an eternity. She falls until she lands on a hard, stark white mattress. Serena’s heart is racing but she recognises the faint beeping sound of a heart rate monitor which indicates the opposite. She’s in the hospital, as a patient. Frantically her eyes search the room for any clue as to what is wrong with her. She sits up, stands up, walks around the hospital room and then she turns back towards the bed and sees herself, lying there lifelessly. 

Slowly she inches closer to the bed, to the woman that is her and yet a complete stranger. Her skin looks almost translucent, her eyes surrounded by deep dark circles, her lips chapped and pale. Before she can try to reach out to the patient file to read it, footsteps approach and the door to the room swings open. Ric and Henrik enter the room, their faces cold and sad. For a moment Serena thinks they see the two versions of her, see her standing there next to her own numb body. They check all her stats and sigh at the sight of her, while Ric informs Hanssen of the latest progress or lack thereof in her recuperation.

“We don’t know if she’ll wake up again, Henrik. We’re worried about her. That damn alcohol, I knew it would end her, I knew I should’ve stopped her somehow, I-“ his voice is shaky and angry, his eyes wet and it makes a big lump form in Serena’s throat. 

“There was nothing you could’ve done, Mr. Griffin. There’s nothing any of us could’ve done to stop this from happening.” Henrik still sounds like his composed self and yet Serena notices the slight quiver in his voice. 

Both men stand next to her bed for a while longer before they turn to leave again. As they reach the door, a loud beeping sound fills the space and Serena can tell something is horribly wrong right away. 

“She’s crashing, shit!” Ric yells and within seconds he is by her side again, checking on her and trying to stabilise her. Her heartrate has stopped, she’s flatlining and suddenly nurses and doctors are rushing into the room, running seemingly through a perplexed Serena standing at the edge of her own deathbed. She sobs as they try to resurrect her, try to resuscitate her to no avail. Her breathing has stopped, in both of her bodies. She gasps for air as she sees herself on the verge of death and then it clicks.

This is what will happen to her if she keeps doing this. This is her future. Just like her past and her present, this too is real and plausible. She screams, tries to wake herself up but all she sees is more CPR and more chaos in front of her as her colleagues try to save her. It all stops when she flatlines again, for a longer time now and even Ric seems to lose all hope. Her throat is sore and her eyes sting but she can’t look away now, all she sees is the lifeless body, her own body lying there, surrounded by people who care about her and whom she used to care about in return. 

“Please, please make it stop. I get it now.” She whispers softly, her voice hoarse. She pleads with whatever force is making this happen to let it end here, to let her return to the present so she can stop this from happening. 

“I understand, I see now, please just make it stop.” She sobs louder and louder and finally the room around her darkens again. Serena tries to breathe slowly, focusses on breathing from her core until she suddenly realises that she didn’t in fact end up in her bedroom again. The space is dark and quiet, unsettlingly so. A cold wind brushes past her, sending a shiver down her spine but it’s gone as soon as it appeared. She stands still and feels the soft breeze float back around her, engulfing her and wrapping itself around her before leaving again. 

“What are you?” she manages to mumble through her tears. There is no response. In front of her a bright light turns on, blinding her momentarily. She gasps and when she manages to look at the light again she is sure she can see someone standing there. The figure is too far away to be identifiable but somehow Serena knows it’s the woman that visited her last night. The woman that showed her the present. She calls out to her, tries to walk and then run towards her but nothing happens, if anything the distance between them seems to get bigger. 

The light dims again and as it does the rest of the room comes into focus, this time resembling Serena’s trusty bedroom. She sinks down onto her soft matrass, reaches out for her pillow and holds onto it tightly as she curls up into a ball, making herself as small as she possibly can. She tells herself that for now she’ll sleep, rest and see what the next day brings. She promises herself that no matter what, tomorrow she will go back to work, go back to the hospital and her colleagues, her friends. Tomorrow she won’t drink.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Serena finally goes back to the hospital? And what with Bernie, will Serena recognise her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue is here! I finally finished this, my first multichap. I hope you enjoy this last chapter!

The morning comes sooner than Serena expects it to. Its bright sunshine can’t even be concealed by her heavy curtains, nor can she ignore the call of her alarm, harsh and rude in her ears at 7am. She gets up though, manages to take a shower and put on some makeup for the first time in months before getting dressed and heading downstairs. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, she tells herself and so she grabs a stale piece of bread and some butter she finds in the fridge by lack of anything better and more nutritious. 

For a moment Serena debates calling Hanssen or Ric to let them know she wants to come back but she decides against it, preferring the element of surprise instead. She realises she won’t be allowed to work yet anyway, there is no way she can waltz into the hospital and put on a pair of scrubs today but that doesn’t mean she can’t get reacquainted. The idea of driving there scares her briefly, considering it has been ages since she was last in her car. However soon she finds she gets the hang of it again. She shakes her head to clear it from the intrusive thoughts that pop up every now and then on the drive, telling her to swerve or hit a tree, but she manages to keep going. Soon the familiar looking building looms in front of her.

She rummages around in her bag to find her badge, foregoes her usual cup of coffee from Pulses and heads straight up to AAU instead, eager to see her colleagues and her ward now that she is here. As soon as she sets foot on familiar territory, a wave of melancholy washes over her. She swallows back the lump in her throat and blinks at the tears that threaten to form and roll down her cheeks. Her heart hurts at the thought of this ward being in such disarray without her and then the memories of Ellie come flooding back into her brain and it hurts even more. 

Serena is shaken out of her remembering by a loud voice calling for. She turns around to see Ric standing in the doorway of what used to be her office. He all but runs towards her, his arms wrapping around her tightly and she nestles into the hug and the feeling of safety it provides. Her cheeks feel damp and sticky and she curses herself for crying here, now, like this. Yet Ric doesn’t seem to mind, if anything he seems elated to see her again and to have her here. After a while they pull back to look at each other, Serena letting out a sigh of relief at this warm welcome. 

“ What are you doing here, Serena? Are you… are you okay? Are you coming back?” He questions rather quickly, clearly enthusiastic about her presence. His voice is laced with concern though and it tugs at her heartstrings, the way her friend cares about her even after she had cut him off for so long.

“I want to come back, I think I’m ready. I had a uhm revelation of sorts, I know now what I need to do.” Her words come out way more certain than she feels and she thanks whatever deity is watching over her for that miracle. Serena reaches out once again to hug Ric when a flash of blonde catches her eye. 

“Ms. Campbell, it’s good to see you.” The major’s voice comes from besides her. The sound is low and hoarse and somehow Serena is sure it makes her knees buckle a little bit. As she turns to look at the woman, she is suddenly hit by a familiarity that wasn’t there before. It’s her, her traitorous mind yells at her, it’s the angelic woman that visited her. She stutters and coughs, shuffles her feet awkwardly and instinctively reaches out to touch the pendant around her neck. From afar she can hear Ric excusing himself and then it feels as if Bernie and her are alone and the world is spinning around them.

“Serena are you okay?” She hears faintly before a strong pair of hands lands on her arms to hold her up. “We’re on the roof, if anyone needs me they can page me.” Bernie calls out to some staff members and before Serena really realises what’s happening they are walking towards the stairs to get up to the roof.

“It’s you.” Serena whispers softly while the harsh winter wind cuts into her face. She’s aware that she started shivering as soon as they reached the roof but she enjoys the sensation strangely enough, it gives her something to focus on she reasons. “You were that woman, of course it was you.” Her voice comes out shakily. 

“I’m sorry what is me? What did I do?” Bernie sounds confused but her eyes sparkle with something Serena can’t quite define and she can tell that Bernie knows what she means. The blonde winks at her and then puts a hand on Serena’s arm, an unexpected and uncharacteristic sign of affection as a peace offering it seems. She smiles that warm smirk and Serena tries her best to keep herself from hugging the woman. Instead she clears her throat and allows her eyes to travel down the blonde’s frankly stunning body. 

“It really helped you know, I’d like to uhm, hmm… well let me thank you? Dinner maybe? Tonight?” She notices how much it sounds like she’s asking Bernie on a date. Notices that she doesn’t care one bit if it does. Let it be a date, let it be a possibility for a new start, she thinks as a burst of positivity seemingly rushes through her veins. Bernie nods in response and Serena flashes her a shy smile. 

“No wine though, I uhm decided to stop drinking for a bit. Is that… is that okay?” She asks her tentatively but Bernie’s eyes light up at the news and she squeezes her arm in support. 

“I’m sure you can still show a girl a good time, wine or not.” The reply comes quick as lightning, the tone dark and husky. Immediately after though Bernie’s eyes go wide at what she just said, a mumbled sorry and a small eyeroll following her earlier statement. 

“Okay, well it’s a date then.” Serena breathes and then she turns, decides she needs to get away from this beautiful woman for a second, and goes back down to the ward.

\---   
Serena fidgets with the edge of her jumper as she waits for her guest to arrive. They had agreed that tonight was okay, that say 7 o’clock at Serena’s suited them both. Of course Ric had asked her endless questions after she’d all but demanded Bernie’s number from him but she managed to brush him off eventually, no need to get the rumour mill started. Not just yet anyway. She looks around herself to check the place one last time, to make sure all empty bottles and take out containers are gone, to see if everything is spotless. 

She pulls at the cashmere fabric around her torso, checks her watch for the umpteenth time and just when she thinks she won’t come anymore the doorbell brings a tidal wave of relief. As she opens the door, she is met by a sight for sore eyes. The blonde is dressed in the most impossibly skinny jean she’s ever seen and her pink coat hugs her figure beautifully. Serena swallows away the sudden overwhelming feeling of attraction and lets Bernie enter, giving her a chaste peck on the cheek as she passes her. The blonde hands Serena her coat and Serena is positive there’s a bit of a blush on her cheeks that is not just due to the cold. 

They make their way into the kitchen and fall into comfortable banter easily enough. Bernie offers to help her with the final touches to their meal and soon they are sat at the dining table, discussing work and all the gossip Serena has missed out on while she’s been away from the hospital. Surprisingly, Serena finds she can talk and talk and talk to Bernie even without a good glass of wine to keep the ambiance going. In fact being sober might even make the conversation better, she thinks, as they both open up about their family, their respective children, the loss they’ve experienced each in their own way. 

When the main course is out of the way, Serena stands up to put the dishes in the dishwasher and then turns around with a girlish smirk on her face. “Fancy dessert? Ice cream?” she asks while already walking over to the fridge to get the treat out of the freezer compartment. She takes two bowls from the cupboard and divides the ice cream in them. “Come on.” She says as she makes her way into the living room, Bernie following her with her own bowl of ice cream in her hands and if she thinks it’s odd to have ice cream in the middle of winter she doesn’t say so, she merely smiles at herself at how adorable Serena is in all her giddiness, how different she is now, here, with her. 

Even though there is no alcohol involved, the evening becomes kind of blurry for Bernie after that. She is sure they started out sitting well apart on the sofa and yet somehow once their ice cream bowls were placed on the coffee table, Serena’s head ended up resting on her shoulder as she talked softly about Ellie. Serena yawns and the warm breath hitting her neck send a shiver through Bernie’s body. She turns gently to look at Serena and notices how incredibly close their faces are, how she can feel Serena’s breath against her lip, how Serena’s eyes are now focussed on Bernie’s own lips. 

She stops thinking then, before she knows what is happening her lips are pressed against Serena’s in the softest kiss she has ever experienced. To her surprise Serena doesn’t pull back right away but instead runs her tongue over Bernie’s bottom lip, asking for entrance. They kiss slowly, experimentally and then it’s over and they’re both pulling back, their eyes wild and glassy.  
Bernie talks on instinct, apologises because of course she has to. “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to- I shouldn’t have- sorry I…”

“No no no, it’s uhm it’s okay actually.” Serena cuts her off and Bernie’s jaw goes slack at her words. She must be dreaming. She shakes her head a little, golden curls bouncing around her cheekbones. Serena leans in closer again, one hand on the other woman’s cheek, the other stroking through her hair. “You could maybe do that again?” She whispers and then they’re kissing again, more passionately than before. 

When they eventually stop, they’re both beaming, their smiles radiant and genuine. Serena clears her throat, looks away for a second to gather her thoughts. She feels so overwhelmed and yet she feels reborn at the same time. All she wants to do is kiss Bernie again, take her upstairs even but she realises that might be too much for now, says as much to the other woman.

“As much as I enjoyed that, and God believe me I did,” she starts then stops to plant another kiss against the blonde’s lips. “We should probably take it slow, see what this is?” Her voice comes out uncertain and fragile but Bernie smiles that radiant smile at her which warms her heart. She holds out her arms for Serena to snuggle closer again and presses a kiss against her greying hair.

“We’ll take it slow and figure things out, Serena. It’s gonna be okay.” She says softly and for the first time in a long time Serena too believes that maybe eventually it will be.


End file.
